Tegan and Sara “How Come You Don’t Want Me”
This slowed down version of the song is so beautiful
Settle down in your room at a moment when you have nothing else to do. Say “I am now with myself,” and just sit with yourself. After an amazingly short time you will most likely feel bored.
This teaches us one very useful thing. It gives us insight into the fact that if after ten minutes of being alone with ourselves we feel like that, it is no wonder that others should feel equally bored! Why is this so? It is so because we have so little to offer to our own selves as food for thought, for emotion and for life.
If you watch your life carefully you will discover quite soon that we hardly ever live from within outwards; instead we respond to incitement, to excitement. In other words, we live by reflection, by reaction…We are completely empty, we do not act from within ourselves but accept as our life a life which is actually fed in from the outside; we are used to things happening which compel us to do other things.
How seldom can we live simply by means of the depth and the richness we assume that there is within ourselves."
Be your own hero.
There is a hole in my heart where you once were. Sure I have plenty of other people and things to fill it with but of course it is not the same. We had a unique relationship; in all it’s crooked and tainted way. But we were happy.
All I wanted was to have you to myself. I could not and still can not bear the thought of you with another. It makes me physically sick.
Unfortunately, you had to find out the hard way, of how I cope. I am harsh on you because I have to be. I have to break my own heart little by little to keep myself on the ground. I could not let myself be carried away and be taken for a ride because the higher I go, the further to fall.
That night I fell too hard, and crash landed into irrationality, and you became collateral damage. I was sick of struggling alone and I compelled to drag you down with me. But as I soon realised, it was not the utilitarian thing to do, but it was done.
I literally can not win with you. By default, I am constantly fighting an uphill battle. Whether I make it to the top of the hill or not, you would not be there with me.
I am just tired, and I have been for a while now, of fighting, just to remain neutral and stationary when I all I want to do is to keep moving forward. I have to go forth in my life, with or without you.
Perhaps this is something that had to occur, maybe this was just a long time coming, but I am hating every minute of it. And “hate” is a harsh word, but there is not a more appropriate way to describe the feeling. What is worse is that inevitably I will have to face this in many parts of my life, as you have shaped me and have integrated your presence in various segments of my being. I see no way that I would come to not know you in the future. Our lives connect at too many points to have you completely disappear from my life.
All I can do now is to care for you from a distance, and you may never hear me again. I do wish you all the best and that you find what you are looking for. I will always be around whether you need me or not.